Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
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