sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
