Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
