So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
Randomize
