; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
Damn. That makes sense
I know im like the sherlok holmes of sexual problems
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
