is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
