you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
