Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
Houston, we have a squirter
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
