Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
