After last night, I could never be a politician.
Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Randomize
