the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
