You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
