I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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