So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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