If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
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