We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
i now understand why vodka
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
