i think i have herpe
just one?
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
Randomize
