Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
Randomize
