i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
Randomize