I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
