You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
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