Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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