WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Randomize
