last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
Randomize
