don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
Randomize
