burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
