My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
