I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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