i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
Randomize
