dude, wtf is with her now? she has stuff up about how i am kicking her while she's down
wtf? who are you bitching about me to now?
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
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