trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
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