My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
Randomize
