im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
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