she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
