11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
