FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Randomize
