go do what you do best...puke behind churches
what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
Randomize
