Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
Come back. Shots need mouths.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Randomize
