God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
