i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
The language barrier was annoying .... So we just had sex. That is how you deal with not being able to chat isn't it???
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
