If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
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