Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
