I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
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normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
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Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
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