I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Randomize
