is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
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