I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
