I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
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