Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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