In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
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