He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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