i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
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