My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
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