Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
Is Oprah even human
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Randomize
