Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
if someoen knew that someone accidentally drunkly kissed your boyfriend would you want them to tell you/?
followup question: what if both somones were me?
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
Randomize
