My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
