just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
