No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
Haha dude youd die if you were here. Girl presenting is defending the new testament and did her report on JESUS. best believe i'm gonna ask some hungover, atheist ass questions
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I'm too high and old for this...
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
Randomize
