So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
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