did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Randomize
