drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
