I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
