She is in my trunk
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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