I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
Randomize
