My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
just when i thought i had forgotten how badthe sex was he comes across campus solely to say hi
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
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